(This post was written on Sunday Kizomba Social facebook group. Many people encouraged me to start a blog, so here it is, with a few minor adjustments.)
Being turned down to a dance can create quite a range of reactions, from ‘I’m ok with this’ to ‘pff…whatever’, to pain and even anger. It can even create a grudge you hold for a very long time!
Like anything in life, rejection can suck, however the best solution is…not to take it personally. There are so many reasons why a person says no. While it’s so easy to jump to conclusions and make up a story as to why it was a no, if we only knew the real reason they said no, we’d realize we were far from the mark.
Have you ever thought about some reasons why they said no? Besides the obvious like ‘tired, cramping feet, waiting for a friend, you-need-more-technique-go-take-some-lessons, need deodorant’….The one who turns you down could be:
-waiting for someone to finish dancing and b-line to ask them, coz they really want to get their fix with that particular person.
-waiting for their girlfriend/boyfriend.
-just slept with someone who is in the room and doesn’t want to make them jealous!!
-feeling unstimulated by the dance because you are in your head (too focused on moves and ‘getting it right’) and don’t feel the music.
-gets sore arms or neck while dancing with you..either because of poor technique or just height difference. Maybe the rejector pays a chiropractor weekly to work on chronic shoulder pain and is protecting their body.
-doesn’t like the song and is uninspired. Maybe it has nothing to do with you or how well u dance.
-is allergic or nautious from the hair spray or cologne or musty closet smell of your shirt.
– feels you dance too close or take too many liberties to hold you a certain way (like when a man squeezes her waist fat…omg..just don’t do that!!).
-just finished dancing very intensely and wants to chill for the next few songs and enjoy flying high for a bit! Wohooo!
-has gas and doesn’t want to embarrass themselves! Ha!
– thinks they stink and feels insecure til they change shirts.
There are so many reasons! The best thing to do if you are the rejector, is to smile, say thank you, and perhaps offer a small reason why it s ‘no’, to assuage the blow…. Because we are human and feel sensitive to being turned down.
As a rejectee, if you feel angry, try not to overreact and blame the person…ex: WHY DO U NEVER DANCE WITH MEEE???? WHY ARE YOU HERE IF YOU RE NOT GOING TO DANCE ?!?
Yeah, Not a good look.
And watch the sabotaging thoughts “I’m fat, ugly, old, not sexy enough”. NOOOOOoooooooo!!!! Stay away from those disempowering thoughts!
Because- straight up- FAT people are charming and great dancers, UGLY people are charming and great dancers, OLD people are charming and great dancers and EVERYONE can be sexy if they have confidence! Those are not reasons you feel bad! It’s just you getting in your own way.
Lastly, remember that people have different reasons why they go out to a dance party:
To socialize and chat, to dance technically and improve, to flirt, to connect and escape, to feel popular, to relax and drink to unwind, or to get their best groove on and reach new heights of exhilaration.
Just remember that nowhere is it written that a dancer is expected to say yes or no!! Nowhere is it said that one needs to coddle anyone or care about how they react to a ‘no’. We all say no at some point, and we all are told no…My best advice is that holding grudges or resenting someone, or feeling bad about yourself because you were turned down, is only going to hurt yourself. You need to be mentally tough out there in life, and do what is best for you to stay on a happy course! You can’t please everyone, so find the one you mesh with and let go of the ones who don’t pay you no mind!
I’d love to hear your thoughts and share an experience, either as the one who turned someone down, or was turned down. On the facebook group, the common responses were that one should simply turn down a dance by saying ‘ no thank you’ instead of making up an excuse, or giving an explanation.